Ayn Rand states “A contradiction cannot exist. An atom is itself, and so is the universe; neither can contradict its own identity; nor can a part contradict the whole. No concept man forms is valid unless he integrates it without contradiction into the total sum of his knowledge. To arrive at a contradiction is to confess an error in one’s thinking; to maintain a contradiction is to abdicate one’s mind and to evict oneself from the realm of reality.”
It was early evening in the middle of August when I arrived home from a new management position I had started 3 weeks ago. My efforts had resulted in the lab reaching close to peak performance, which gave me a sense of satisfaction. I poured a glass of chardonnay and began fixing dinner. It looked like I had turned my life around and that my recovery had begun
Suddenly, the phone rang. It was Maria, the Store Manager of my place of employment. She completely shocked me when she told me the owner of the company was letting me go. I could hardly believe it, so I asked her why he was firing me. She said she didn’t know why.
It was a rainy Monday in December. Alicia said her and the girls were going Christmas shopping and would be gone for several hours. She didn’t invite me, which I considered fortunate since I don’t like shopping. They left so I decided to listen to some of my favorite music. I didn’t know, I would never see her again, that our love relationship had collapsed
I rolled a joint and put on Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours; however, I remained completely oblivious to her intentions, although I’m sure her late night activities spawned some rumors. Looking back, I believe my emotional intelligence had evaporated because of my recent heavy intake of Prozac. Yes, I was back on it. It didn’t seem to have a positive effect on me, because my only ambition was to sit around and get high. It isn’t any fun losing purpose and hitting rock bottom.
Alicia and I celebrated New Year’s Eve by drinking fine wine and smoking some potent marijuana. We talked, laughed and swayed to the music. Finally, we started crashing well before midnight, which would end the party. She said she had something that would pick us up. She went to the kitchen and came back with some coke and it wasn’t Coca Cola. We snorted some and the good times continued. My recovery seemed complete. See the previous article Prozac and the Crack-Up Boom.
Normally, I don’t like cocaine, but it did the job. I started feeling pretty good and rolled another joint, pouring us some more wine. I felt we would be ready to celebrate the New Year with some pleasure and ecstasy. How wrong I was.
It was Sunday night in late April. My girlfriend Alicia and I were filling out our forms to apply for unemployment. My former company forced me out of my management position and she had resigned from her position. The atmosphere at the dining room table was thick with tension and our intake of wine didn’t help it any. Apparently, many months of taking Prozac didn’t improve my external situation.
As we wrote, we also bickered over, who knows what. She finally blew her stack and threw a glass of wine in my face. I didn’t take kindly to that and called her a few choice names. She outdid me when she ended her verbal attack with the words “You’re nothing but a no-good loser.” Well, I guess her real feelings for me finally rose to the surface. All I could do was take another drink of wine and wonder how I got into this sorry situation. At that point, I doubt if anything could help my state of mind and that included the high dose of Prozac in my system.
It was late June when depression and the summertime blues completely overwhelmed me. A year earlier I had placed my faith in the Pathways to Mastership course and meditation techniques. Then during a cold day in February, I stopped the course because I couldn’t accept some of its mysticism. I also abandoned my meditation practice, which turned out to be a big mistake.
The Collapse into Total Depression
I sank into a pit of complete frustration, nothing seemed to help. The unbearable pain dumped me into the hole of despair. Failed relationships, sexual frustration, lack of challenges in my management position and no definite purpose in life drove me into a deep depression.
For reasons unknown, June seems to stand out as my month of transformation and new journeys. It’s also been a time that found me suffering in a deep depression. My objectivist beliefs no longer sustained me, causing hopelessness to come for an extended visit. I sank into the pits of despair. Fortunately, depression often leads a person into a journey of transformation. As mentioned in the article Reluctant Objectivist Detours onto a New Pathway I discovered the Pathways to Mastership Course. That helped me find peace of mind.
There we were, standing in a dilapidated kitchen holding sponges and paint scrapers. A big bucket of wall cleaner sat on the corroded tile floor next to us. We knew it would take a monumental effort to renovate this house. My friend George asked “How does it feel to be David Rockefeller’s scum scraper? I said “Darn, how did we ever allow the Trilateral Commission to take over our lives? Then we laughed. We were heavily into conspiracy theory.