It was a rainy Monday in December. Alicia said her and the girls were going Christmas shopping and would be gone for several hours. She didn’t invite me, which I considered fortunate since I don’t like shopping. They left so I decided to listen to some of my favorite music. I didn’t know, I would never see her again, that our love relationship had collapsed
I rolled a joint and put on Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours; however, I remained completely oblivious to her intentions, although I’m sure her late night activities spawned some rumors. Looking back, I believe my emotional intelligence had evaporated because of my recent heavy intake of Prozac. Yes, I was back on it. It didn’t seem to have a positive effect on me, because my only ambition was to sit around and get high. It isn’t any fun losing purpose and hitting rock bottom.
I thought about my predicament of unemployment and the passion vanishing from our once hot love relationship. My disturbing thoughts and the rainy weather made me feel rather melancholy so I put on some “happy” music. First, I listened to You’ve Lost that Lovin’ Feelin’ and Unchained Melody by the Righteous Brothers. Then I played Holding Back the Years by Simply Red, Knowing Me, Knowing You by ABBA and For No One by the Beatles. After that came a tune that described my feelings, Rainy Days and Mondays by the Carpenters and to sum it up, It Doesn’t Matter Anymore by the legendary Buddy Holly.
Around 5:30pm the phone rang. It was Alicia. Immediately, she said she was leaving me forever. I suggested she come home and give us another try. She told me never again and that my vehicle was parked at a local convenience store, my keys under the mat on the driver’s side. Before I could say anything, she hung up. Our love relationship had collapsed, permanently
That phone call stunned me and it took a little while to recover enough to put on my shoes and jacket in order to retrieve my automobile. I walked up to the convenience store in the drizzling rain. If I shed any tears, at least I would be crying in the rain.
More than 11 Months Ago
In the previous article Recovery – The Illusion of Well-Being, I explained how New Year’s Eve brought me some despair and frustration. Well, when we got up on New Year’s Day, Alicia acted as if nothing had happened. I asked her if she meant what she said to me last night. She claimed she didn’t know what I was talking about, so I let it drop.
As the month of January aged, we seemed to be arguing more. It didn’t make much sense to me because our jobs were going well and we had enough money. She just didn’t seem as happy as before, which made me feel somewhat insecure. I wasn’t even a Reluctant Objectivist. In fact, I forgot about the foundations of a successful life, as I was content to just aimlessly drift along.
The “you know what” finally hit the fan on Valentine’s Day. Instead of waking up to love, we started bickering about who knows what. Our argument caused us to run way behind time. We were going to be late for work. She called the office to leave a message and hung up the phone, at least I thought she did. I couldn’t take it any longer and started screaming like a banshee; unfortunately, it was captured on the company voicemail. Fortunately, everyone at the office though it was one of the kids screaming in the background. I had completely lost control of my thoughts, feelings and actions.
Springtime means the blossoming of nature. For us it represented the slow decay of our love relationship. Of course, I was in denial and we still had our passionate moments but they were slowly decreasing. In addition, I felt intellectually stifled so I decided to read something that would get me thinking. I picked up a copy of Timothy Leary’s Flashbacks. That ought to tell you something.
My work environment involved a considerable amount of tension. Apparently, some of my co-workers had their own ideas on how I should run my lab, which caused some disharmony. Since we worked together, I hoped Alicia would back me up. Sadly, I discovered other people influenced how she felt and she was friends with the ones who were causing me trouble. Much to my dismay, she didn’t back me because she didn’t want to antagonize her friends.
At the next company meeting in late May, everything came out into the open. My opponents started criticizing my performance which infuriated me. I blew my stack and defended myself with a scathing counter-attack. In addition, I was also angry because Alicia said nothing in my defense. I didn’t know I had cooked my goose. As the work day ended, the owner called me in and fired me. Although he tried to prevent me from receiving unemployment benefits, I managed to get them anyway. However, he did everything possible to stop someone else from hiring me. When a potential employer called him, he told them I was a troublemaker and not to hire me.
Since I had forgotten about the joy of my existence, it didn’t take long for depression to overwhelm me. The doctor put me back on Prozac and told me to stick with it. The girls spent most of the summer with their dad, so I sat around by myself. Soon I began feeling better, but my life didn’t improve any. I seemed to forgotten all I learned from economics, philosophy, psychology and metaphysics. I existed without purpose and covered up my pain with Prozac and marijuana.
One night Alicia went out with her friends and stayed out quite late. When she arrived home, she had a surprise for me and pulled some crystal meth out of her purse. It was déjà vu. It took me back to the night we fell in love. See the article Prozac and the Crack-Up Boom.
Once again, we were reelin’ and rockin’ till the break of day. We talked, listened to great music and experienced the bliss of continuous hot sex. After her friends told her how frustrated they were with their married sex lives, she said she felt better about me. Well it was night of pleasure and ecstasy, but it didn’t revive our love relationship, because eventually we had to crash and return to reality. By the way, that was the last time I did meth.
The summer lazily drifted on by with nothing much happening. Once I tried quitting marijuana, but that only increased my misery. “Mary Jane” was the only lady supplying me any satisfaction. It got to the point where I couldn’t imagine going through life without getting high. At least there was one thing I could pursue with passion.
On Labor Day weekend, Alicia expressed frustration with our relationship and talked about leaving me. We smoothed it over but our love relationship was quickly dying.
The Collapse of a Love Relationship
Finally, the cooler weather of fall arrived. I still couldn’t find employment and at times I didn’t care.
Alicia came home one day and told me she had quit her job and taken another one as waitress at a local restaurant. Of course, that meant that she would have nights where she didn’t arrive home until 11pm or later. She allowed the girls to stay with their father when she worked late. He was happy to see them and I think he wished he could have Alicia back. Fortunately, he lived in the same school district so they didn’t miss any classes.
One night she came home after midnight with a bouquet of flowers. I asked her where those came from. She said a customer gave them to her because he liked her service. I was too far gone to see the implications, although I should have because she no longer seemed to desire me. It didn’t occur to me that she might be cultivating a new love relationship.
In late November, a former associate of mine named Tammy set up an interview for a lead technician job. I went in and interviewed with the owner and thought it went quite well. Unfortunately, he knew my previous employer, who told him it would be a mistake hiring me. My hopes for a fresh beginning tumbled to a new low.
In early December, I receive a call from a fan of How to Win the Drug War, now revised, with additional chapters and titled Defeat the Lies of the Anti-Drug Crusader. He said he wanted to order 200 copies because he was using them in debates on college campuses. With that information, he was able to defeat any anti-drug crusader. That lifted my spirits. Alicia didn’t seem too excited by the news, although she congratulated me.
I decided to give her and the girls a marvelous Christmas experience. I wasn’t sure how I was going to accomplish that, but something would come to mind. Of course, it wasn’t to be.
The last weekend of our love relationship seemed quite normal. We even made love, although it lacked the passion we once experienced. I didn’t realize that was to be our last hurrah. When I drifted off to sleep on Sunday night, I had no idea our love relationship had ended.
RA Meyer – Master the Social Maze