It was late June when depression and the summertime blues completely overwhelmed me. A year earlier I had placed my faith in the Pathways to Mastership course and meditation techniques. Then during a cold day in February, I stopped the course because I couldn’t accept some of its mysticism. I also abandoned my meditation practice, which turned out to be a big mistake.
The Collapse into Total Depression
I sank into a pit of complete frustration, nothing seemed to help. The unbearable pain dumped me into the hole of despair. Failed relationships, sexual frustration, lack of challenges in my management position and no definite purpose in life drove me into a deep depression.
That night when I collapsed on my lonely bed, the suffering invaded my body, mind and spirit. Nothing could provide me any relief; marijuana and alcohol had only temporarily lifted my faltering mood. The joy of my existence became a forgotten memory. As I laid my head down, my aching heart felt like it could drench my pillow with a million tears. I prayed that it would just wash away my life of misery. Eventually, I drifted off to a troubled sleep of disturbing dreams.
The next morning, I dragged myself out of bed. It occurred to me that I could at least act like a Reluctant Objectivist, but I felt like nothing.
Somehow, I made it to work and approached my desk of meaningless chores. While I sat pondering my state of hopelessness Deborah, a perceptive, compassionate office manager asked me if I was alright. I couldn’t even answer her. She hugged me and said everything will be fine. I had no idea how that could happen.
Later that morning the General Manager Clark called me into his office. He said that Deborah was concerned about me. I just shook my head and lowered it. He said it was obvious I was suffering a deep depression and needed professional help. He told me to get on the phone now and make an appointment with my primary physician.
Events Leading Up to Depression
As mentioned in a previous article, my objectivist friend Jorge had convinced me to give up the mystical pathway. Unfortunately, I took it a step further and stopped meditating. That left me with a vacuum to fill. So as a paradigm of reason, I replenished it with marijuana and women, then courageously joined a computer dating service.
I met some attractive women, but for some reason I couldn’t identify with them. Part of the dating scene meant going to some sappy movies and engaging in vapid conversations over dinner. I thought “If this leads to some hot sex, the boredom might be worthwhile.” It wasn’t to be because there wasn’t any connection to get to a place of pleasure and ecstasy.
Two Interesting Women
I did meet two interesting women. The first one was downright dangerous. I’d give you her name but I can’t remember it.
After we ate dinner at a Mexican restaurant, we drove back to her place. As we walked into her apartment she invited me to sit on the couch next to her. After sipping some wine, she loosened up and started telling me how she hated her ex-husband. With a furious look in her dark brown eyes, she said she could tie him to some posts in the ground, pour some honey on him and let the ants eat him alive. I commented about how it might be better to forgive him.
Well, that only infuriated her. She angrily told me that she could also burn him at the stake and laugh hysterically while he screamed in agony. Then she said “Nobody messes with me.”
Of course, you can see why I got the hell out of there. She needed deep psycho-analysis more than she needed a dating service. That experience didn’t exactly help my declining mental and emotional state.
In addition, I dated a fun lady Sherry, who was a vivacious blond. We met at a coffee house and started an awkward conversation. Still, she seemed quite cool so I took a chance and asked her if she ever smoked weed. She asked me if I had any and I said I had some at my apartment. She said “What are we waiting for, let’s go.”
We experienced a great time that night and went on some other dates but it was obvious it wasn’t going to result in a long-term relationship. Finally, we drifted apart and once again I was left with a feeling of emptiness. I had forgotten that in order to experience happiness you have to discover it from within. Instead I was becoming well acquainted with depression.
My Birthday Date
I had high hopes for my birthday. I met a young lady named Paula who seemed interested in me and I liked her quite a bit. We went on a couple of dates, engaged in some passionate kissing but it never went any further. She agreed to come over to my place for a romantic dinner to celebrate my birthday. She said she would arrive at 5:30pm. My excitement level was pretty high.
5:30pm came around but there was no sign of Paula. I waited until 6pm before I called her and ended up with her voicemail. I attempted several more calls to no avail. Unbelievably, I never heard from her again. To this day, I don’t know why. I went to bed, saturated with disappointment and despair. Total depression was closing in on me. It didn’t occur to me that maybe I ought to restart my meditation practice.
Depression and the Summertime Blues
Summer was heating up, but my passion grew colder and colder. The day came when it completely froze and was replaced with an overwhelming depression.
After a tough and almost unbearable day at work, I arrived home, ate supper and plopped down into my recliner. I decided I needed something to cheer me up, so I poured a glass of chardonnay and rolled a thick “doobie.” Then I put on Madonna’s first album which consists of happy tunes. For a while, I felt pretty darn good, but it wasn’t to last.
Everything went well, when I let go of my thoughts and swayed to the music. Once I started to think, it all went downhill. Your mind can become your best friend or your worst enemy. It started producing thoughts about my frustration and despair. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer and collapsed on my bed into a complete depression.
RA Meyer – Master the Social Maze
P.S. In the next article you will find out how the “cure” worked out.